Friday, February 19, 2010

This is a Fire Door Never Leave Open

Headlights race towards the corner of the dining room.
Half illuminate a face before they disappear.
You breathe in forty years of failing to describe a feeling.
I breathe out smoke against the window, trace the letters in your name.
Our letters sound the same;
full of all our changing that isn't change at all.
All straight lines circle sometime.
You said "Somewhere there's a box full of replacement parts
to all the tenderness we've broken or let rust away.
Somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving.
Somewhere someone says 'I'm sorry.'
Someone's making plans to stay."
So tell me it's okay.
Tell me anything, or show me there's a pull,
unassailable, that will lead you there,
from the dark, alone, to benevolence that you've never known,
or you knew when you were four and can't remember.
Where a small knife tears out those sloppy seams,
and the silence knows what you silence means,
and your metaphors (as mixed as you can make them)
are linked, like days, together.
I still hear trains at night, when the wind is right.
I remember everything, lick
and thread this string that will never mend you
or tailor more than a memory of a kitchen floor,
or the fire-door that we kept propping open.
And I love this place; the enormous sky,
and the faces, hands that I'm haunted by,
so why can't I forgive these buildings,
these frameworks labeled "Home"?


Monday, November 2, 2009

Both feet fell asleep so I stumbled as I made my way across the house.
The concentration it took meant I didn't immediately notice the bruises on my hips
from my jeans digging in.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This is a list of things I like

Harmonicas, maps, people who recognize the legitimacy of a saw as a musical instrument, coffee mixed with hot chocolate, clean sheets
I haven't had much to say lately.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

You take one step and miss the whole first rung.

I want to be optimistic so badly.
I want to believe that things will all work out.
I want to worry less and embrace things more.
I want to be hopeful for somebody else. For everybody else.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

When will I learn to drag myself out of bed when I think of something worth remembering?
I haven't have a worthwhile thought in a long time.

Monday, August 17, 2009


This is a year and a half old actually.

Monday, August 3, 2009

On Saturday night I dreamt about my church days.
Procession, crosses, white robes and lighting candles.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I wonder if I ever learned anything.

Let's say you were twelve years old again, what would be a typical day for you?

Wake up early, walk to the bus, get on the bus, go to school, go to my first class (science, with Mr. Mig) and fuck around with Clyde and Martin, go through the rest of my day with Clyde because we had every class but social studies together. Get in trouble for talking too much and making fun of Mr. Pond. Try to ditch PJ, while being unnecessarily mean. Get on the bus to go home. Go to Katie's, watch TV, go home, eat, go to rehearsal everysinglenight (hang out with Clyde and Josh after Fortissimos Tuesday nights, hang out with Sam and the boys during Once On This Island rehearsals), come home, pretend to do homework. Sleep.


I turned twelve in seventh grade. That was the year that Clyde dated Kayla Gordon for a while. Katie, Angela, Gabby and Clyde were in my music class. We would draw faces on pictures of composers. Clyde drew a giant afro on Beethoven once. A car and the moon were in it.
Clyde and I were also in a secondary math class with about nine kids because we scored poorly on the state math exam the year before; but we were in the accelerated math class ninth period.

My English teacher's name was Heidi Wagner. She set up a giant "Shakespeare festival" at the end of the year for the seventh and eighth grade. Our class split into groups and performed our own rewritten renditions of scenes from Hamlet. PJ and I did the scene where Hamlet doesn't kill his uncle. I was Hamlet. I had a lightsaber.
This week marks the first time I stepped foot into Sunshine Studios.

We went to the Bronx Zoo that year. Josh and Chalen started singing the Spongebob theme song while we were in the ghetto and the entire bus started singing with them.
The last day of that year was really amazing. Because our math class was inter-academy, Josh Chalen PJ Clyde and I wound up spending the period sitting in an empty classroom because the other two academies were at an assembly. We talked about blanking out on tests and our parents and Josh told me I should start wearing contacts. I think he was trying to imply that he thought I was pretty. I never pressed the subject.
The five of us also took French together. I was never very good. Josh and Chalen always sat together, Clyde and Martin paired off and I sat with my friend Amanda and Ashley most of the time.
PJ was in love with me for all of middle school. We were best friends in first grade. I had no interest. It put a strain on our friendship and I handled it poorly, due to being a twelve-year-old girl. I still feel bad. Amanda and PJ started dating years later. Looking back, I was more surprised than I should have been. Clyde and Olivia were on and off that year. I was in love with Clyde but everyone knew that, didn't they?

It's funny how much I remember now, seven years later.


The next year went to shit. Amanda moved a few months through the year. They split classes up by gender. I wasn't friends with any of the girls in my academy. I actually hated a large portion of them and I was miserable most of the time.
I had social studies and health with Angela, Katie Alicia and Gabby. Jon was in that class for some reason. We also had health together with Clyde and Josh and some of the other Jefferson boys. For some reason health and gym weren't seperated by sex. That makes no sense to me.

Angela tried to commit suicide that spring. I don't remember the exact number, but it was around thirty stitches. Nobody saw her after that.

I lived with my dad. My mom moved out and Ian and Melissa moved with her.

I was terrible at French. We had it first period.

We got a new English teacher. Her name was Lisa Puckey. I always had a feeling that she was a lesbian. I thought she was fantastic. She had us keep weekly journals. We could write whatever we wanted. I wrote constantly. She always gave me an A. She said "I don't know how to grade a person on their thoughts. I feel like a shrink."
She called me out once. I was generally unmotivated. She saw my standardized test scores from the year before.
"You have no excuse now. You are so smart. You are in the 98th percentile of all New York students on your ELA test. You are a genius. I'm not accepting your slacking anymore. Hey ladies?! LADIES! I need your attention! THIS GIRL IS A GENIUS. SHE IS A GENIUS SLACKER."


I thought the boys' class must have been able to hear every word of it. I was mortified.
She gave us an assignment to write a short story. I poured my heart into it. I worked on it every day. I rewrote it three times. It was two weeks late. I got an A+.
I think most of the stories averaged three pages. I wrote 14 and a half. I handed in a fucking novel. It was about a band.
I think writing and music were really the only things that mattered to me at that point.

I quit band. I stayed in choir.
Etienne and I got close again.
I didn't eat much. Sometimes I didn't eat anything.
My lunch was usually exclusively vanilla milk and ice cream from the vending machines.
Katie and I both moved at the end of the year. They got evicted from their house. They had 48 hours to move everything out.
Her mom died when we were in ninth grade.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Thought from last night:
While I hate the prospect of poverty and not being insured, maybe this recession could be cool.
I mean, culture's high points are always during economic depression, right?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

2:30 AM Conversations with my brother

Me: thx 4 keepin me in da loop
Ian: well you gotta loop the loop
Me: and pull
Ian: not that thats even close to being relavent
Me: now your shoes are looking cool
Ian: okay spongebob go home
Me: whatever
Me: you're just as bad for knowing it was a spongebob reference
Me: i'mma go chill out in bikini bottom
Me: AKA the shower
Ian: get me a crabby patty?
Ian: AKA
Ian: drown yourself
Me: Sure thing.
Ian: alright
Ian: ahahah


---
Addendum

Ian: WOOOOAH
Ian: is it like
Ian: a genetic thing to take showers later than most people are awake?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sometimes (a lot of times) I just cannot bear to change the song that's playing, so I will listen to it for hours on end.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Broken Heroes on a Last Chance Power Drive


In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway american dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway 9,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run.


Mmmmm, am I patriotic enough if I listen to Springsteen and The Gaslight Anthem?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Does anyone completely understand you?
Probably not. I'm not saying that I'm so out there that I'm incomprehensible, but you really need to know my family to know where I come from.


I am an amalgamation of my father, his five brothers, his parents and his aunt and her husband.
Yes, I am slightly elitist. Yes, I am sarcastic about everything. Yes, I do think everyone else is dumb. Yes, I will show affection by picking on you relentlessly.

The way I tell stories, the stories I tell and my sense of humour all come from my dad's side of the family. I get exaggerated accents when I tell stories. Long Island and Queens.

I am the first Werkmeister girl born in a generation. There are ten of us: four girls, six boys.
Boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, girl, girl.
My personality is not a coincidence.

Monday, June 29, 2009

If I Could Wake Up Anywhere.

If I could wake up anywhere

This accompanies thinking a little bit too much.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I don't know you well, I know just enough to tell you that.

I dream about playing harmonicas and trying to escape. Unsuccessful at both attempts.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I Found Paint

It matches the colour of my titles links exactly.
Room matches blog.
I might be really cool. I'm probably really lame.
This wasn't even planned.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I hate watching other people do things.

This is getting uncomfortable again.
This stagnant feeling. I need a change again. I'm getting bored again.
I'm too close to not being uninspired. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you've either never done anything or you've never been in a creative rut.
I'm sick of waiting around and I'm sick of not doing anything.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Bank of Boston Beauty Queen

ive tried dolls that were guaranteed sixteen or under none were very exciting
sorta like a laugh track or whacking off they’ll get you off but it’s just not the real thing
its been decades since my pit days
but i havent shaken it - i sit there like an idiot
still caught up in the old punk protocol
and dreaming that the teenagers will think that i’m a radical

and i still wait for the bus to come where high school got torn down
still expecting to find true love among the skateboarders hanging out
in back of the bank in my hometown

all this talk and no action’s got me stiff from the tit to the bone
so im living in lala land - but at least im not living at home
same old catcall same old chemicals
same old thrills stealing stockings from the shopping mall
its simple enough to grow the fuck up happy with the rough cut
nobodys in the market for a diamond in the rough but

i still wait for my mom to come and pick me up at holly’s house
10 years after they cashed it in to make a multi-level parking lot for a seven-eleven and burger king

i’ve got cryptographs i’ve got all the phones tapped
i’ve got proof enough it is indisputable
love’s not good enough i want pies and graphs
something that will teach me my arithmetic at last..

better rope the folks in - i’m on the loose again
and getting more ridiculous the more i think i ought to get my mind out of the gutter
(it’s getting dangerous, amanda, god - you’re old enough to be his fucking...)
my own private highway from the cradle to the grave
i save a bundle skipping middle age and saturdays

and i still wait for the cops to come where the station since bunred down
still convinced that they’ll pick me up for all the sins i committed in the back of the banged-up pickup truck

i’ve got autographs, backstage passes and leather jacket back patches up the...
ask me anything i’ve got evidence
single serving saccharine packets dripping black with lipstick kisses

i still wait for the bus to come back where the high school got torn down
still expecting to find true love among the sakteboarders hanging out
in back of the bank in my home-

i’m no pederast it was nice to ask
thank you, but i’m capable of getting up and getting dressed
love’s not good enough i want photographs
something that will stand the test of...
time and time again
i think ill head downtown again
oh god
i’m thirty
no, i’m ten
i’m seventeen
and a bank of boston beauty queen....